Short story revisited

So here is a short story that I started years ago - partially based on a true story ... it took me a while to get this one out but now I'm starting the editing process... enjoy and comment!


-J

Forever, fleeting, the first

One in the morning, eyes transfixed somewhere between the white, blue and black images on the computer screen and the the grey, blue, white, yellow of the street outside. The television had been on all night, I wasn't listening to it but kept it on for background noise. Silence, being left alone with only thoughts, is terrifying. Glancing back at the computer screen I couldn't remember what I was supposed to be doing. Fatigue had begun to set in, it was time to sleep or at least lay down, eyes closed, as soon as the darkness settled in around me thoughts of him clouded my mind. Sleep should be peaceful and after a month the sadness was much more bearable. The feelings of longing had subsided but the empty space in the heart was still there. Morning could not come soon enough. When I was little my mom used to tell me “This too shall pass” but I just didn't believe it anymore. It was winter, southern california gets cold, dry, the air feels thin and draws out fear and life moves past you in waves, where was the happiness I had found in the spring of last year.

April 22^nd Earth day on the University of California Santa Cruz campus or more fondly remembered as Uncle Charlies Summer Camp. One month to the day before I meet Jonathan but also the day that I came out to all of my friends. Stumbling around drunk in the woods at 3a.m. with my best friend Luke after an eight hour car ride and several hours of binge drinking. There was salt in the air, not a cloud in the sky and so many stars out that night. Stopping, he handed me a flask filled with a very strong, sweet, red liquid; I took a drink, looked at him, drank again and the words started to pour out of my mouth. Somewhere between talking about how this guy Jessie we meet earlier had made out with me, rambling about how musical Rent had changed my life and talking about the girls that we dove up there with it just came out. “I'm gay” he smiled and said “I know”. The next month was filled with telling people at work, school, friends and family who I really was for the first time. The grass was greener, the sweet fragrance of flowers permeated the air and I no longer felt like a double agent. No more hiding from the mouth police, dodging guys that I wanted to talk to or trying to meet people in secret. When I was a kid summer camp had changed my life and as I became an adult it had set me free.

Meeting another guy or a guy in general isn't as easy as people think it is or, should be. Falling in lust is easy and falling for someone who gives you the slightest bit of attention is often a mistake. May, finals week at San Diego State University (SDSU) a campus full of frustrated college students, tired, overworked, worried about grades, ready for a break, ready for a sweet southern california summer. Jonathan was staring blankly at his notebook when I meet him at the campus Starbucks. We had talked earlier that week and exchanged a few emails. He was an International Business Major, went to a rival high school just a few minutes down the road from mine, used to dance hip hop and had entrancing bright sea blue eyes; The kind of eyes that just make you smile and a voice that I could listen to for hours.

There he was the first love of my life, chest pounding, permanent smile plastered all over my body, and nervous tension running up and down my spine. After a vanilla latte and caramel frappuchino it was dark outside and the song “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk” was playing on the radio. I don't think either of us knew how long we had actually spent together that day. I know it was late and we both had finals in the morning but, neither of us wanted to go home so we ended up in my room watching the disney cartoon “Hercules”. We sat on opposite ends of my twin bed leaning against the wall, slowly creeping closer, and closer together from opposite ends of the bed. I don't remember who made the first move, I don't think he could tell me now if I asked him either but, our hands meet, then arms, eyes and finally lips; but only for a few seconds. It was time for bed so, I walked him back to his dorm room. Once back in my room I turned off the t.v. and fell into the warm embrace of slumber with nothing but my own thoughts for company.

Soon, finals were over and summer had come at last. Three months of hot sun filled days, cool ocean breezes, sand tickling your toes, driving along the beach, windows down blasting the radio and warm clear nights lit by the full moon: Summer romance. The weeks and days melted into one another and even though we both had summer jobs, we inched closer and closer to one another, becoming more and more comfortable. Life, no everyday, was a new page to be written, a new hit single, walking into crowds of people and being meet with exited smiles and words of friendship. The entire world was open, the stars could be picked from the heavens, moonbeams left a sparkling trail in the night sky and all of it was real because of a single phrase; Spoken in an old language, from the city of lights, a world away like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer on a cold night “Je t'aime, mon copain”. There is no way to describe the word “Love” the sensation, physical, mental, or emotional; But I can tell you that when you are loved the words: Empty and darkness disappear, they fade out of existence. Jonathan and I had everything that summer. Nothing, compares to first love, it creates the scale. For once in a lifetime, we are completely blind to every imperfection and open to possibilities as wide and as deep as all the oceans in the world.

Eventually summer came to an end, as the crowds of tourists begin to thin out, the reality of fall settled in and the blazing beach bonn fire of passion turned in to the warm steady heat of a fireplace. That fall I was no longer attending SDSU I decided to get back into something that I had forgotten about, and Jonathan had reminded me of; my love of theater. He was busy with school and I was out at auditions or working. By now his roommates and mine were accustomed to having us over we saw each other several times a week, but everything was still new and exciting Luke and his girlfriend would join us for double dates a few times a month and his best friend Holly would come over and make dinner or go shopping with us. Like a Lego building block kit all of the pieces were coming into place and they were all there. Every-night on the phone or with a text message we would talk about our days, plans for the next and always end with that phrase “I love you”. That fall I learned its impossible to say those three words without smiling, even through tears of sorrow, pain, disappointment or death.

Early morning ice on a car window is not the way I like to start mornings but, a steaming hot cup of coffee made sweet can make everything much more hospitable. A warm, soft, kiss can last all day, take away any fear and subdue the worst nerves. “Break a Leg” he said, before I left for my eighth audition that month. That day November twenty fourth was also our six month anniversary, half a year had already flown by. Hours later after my audition I picked up a custom made baseball hat that I had made for Jonathan, I had a white one just like it, his was yellow with a capital “J” in the center. I called him on the way back from Anaheim and we meet at the beach. It was like our minds were tuned to the same channel on the radio, the air smelled like chimney smoke, the sound of the waves provided the soundtrack and we sat, midnight on the beach until the early hours of the morning. Talking about the last few months, how amazing they had been, my new job with Disney and his plans to work for Disney someday too. Sitting on the beach that night we were on a precipice, climbed so high, gone so far, neither of us were the same people we had been when we first meet. “Happy Anniversary” I said, as I placed the bright yellow hat on his head – he smile and we watched the sun rise over the hills.

Young men so new and fresh to the world around coming from only lies, emptiness, and fear. Now in another completely foreign land, ready to explore, blaze trails, leave markers and make maps. However, earth was still earth, the landscape that is the path of life is always in flux and change always possible. As the journey continued my own love grew and blossomed like a cherry orchard, everything was becoming more and more certain for me. In the tempest of life I did not see virtues end coming around the corner, swiftly and without remorse. Beyond Christmas and New years but, before Valentines day the magic would grow and grow. It was winter, it was a southern california winter for sure.

The days were sunny and cold, the smell of fresh rain lingered in the air and on my quiet block, in my perfect room, nothing was out of place. Settled in my, no our daily routines and weekend adventures enjoying fully the grand game of life. It was Thursday and I was surprised to see Jonathan's car pull into the driveway earlier than normal. I was so excited I dropped what I was doing and ran down stairs to meet him as he walked towards the front door. But there was something different about his gait today and his handsome blue eyes did not meet mine. There was a weight in his voice that I had not heard before, instinctively I let a big grin come across my face, opened my arms and heart, ready for a warm hug. But instead of an up lifting embrace my mind, soul, and spirit recoiled from the cold steel blades that punched through my heart. “We need to talk” he said. Immediately panic, fear, isolation engulfed my entire being. I felt like I was walking through a thick fog, like pea soup. I can still feel the cold touch of once loving hands and hear the words that left a hole in my heart. “good bye, Jared” he said, the only word I could muster was a meek “B...bye”

Just like that we were done. There I was alone, silence, isolated, the constant salty flow emanating from my eyes would not stop, could not be stopped, no matter how hard I tried, how much tissue, how many kind words from friends, or loving embraces, would it take to feel human again. Swallowed into a pit of despair so deep I felt nothing could save me, no rope was long enough. Slowly one, by one the days pass, its 1am and left alone with the thoughts in my head nothing but sleep dark, quiet sleep. “This too shall pass” I say to myself again, and again, finally as if struck by lightning I rush to my computer and begin typing. The last year begins to make sense, like little dots on a page that close up mean nothing but from far away create a picture, something to smile about yes, the pain lingers but the person you became is better, wiser, and so lucky to have ever found something so precious. It took years to put this all behind me and longer to put it into words. Jonathan, works for Disney now and years later I still see him on the streets, in bars, clubs at the gym and hes still my first love, but thats all the first.