So here is a short story that I started years ago - partially based on a true story ... it took me a while to get this one out but now I'm starting the editing process... enjoy and comment!
-J
Forever,
fleeting, the first
One
in the morning, eyes transfixed somewhere between the white, blue and
black images on the computer screen and the the grey, blue, white,
yellow of the street outside. The television had been on all night, I
wasn't listening to it but kept it on for background noise. Silence,
being left alone with only thoughts, is terrifying. Glancing back at
the computer screen I couldn't remember what I was supposed to be
doing. Fatigue had begun to set in, it was time to sleep or at least
lay down, eyes closed, as soon as the darkness settled in around me
thoughts of him clouded my mind. Sleep should be peaceful and after a
month the sadness was much more bearable. The feelings of longing had
subsided but the empty space in the heart was still there. Morning
could not come soon enough. When I was little my mom used to tell me
“This too shall pass” but I just didn't believe it anymore. It
was winter, southern california gets cold, dry, the air feels thin
and draws out fear and life moves past you in waves, where was the
happiness I had found in the spring of last year.
April
22nd Earth day on the University of California Santa Cruz
campus or more fondly remembered as Uncle Charlies Summer Camp. One
month to the day before I meet Jonathan but also the day that I came
out to all of my friends. Stumbling around drunk in the woods at
3a.m. with my best friend Luke after an eight hour car ride and
several hours of binge drinking. There was salt in the air, not a
cloud in the sky and so many stars out that night. Stopping, he
handed me a flask filled with a very strong, sweet, red liquid; I
took a drink, looked at him, drank again and the words started to
pour out of my mouth. Somewhere between talking about how this guy
Jessie we meet earlier had made out with me, rambling about how
musical Rent had changed my life and talking about the girls that we
dove up there with it just came out. “I'm gay” he smiled and said
“I know”. The next month was filled with telling people at work,
school, friends and family who I really was for the first time. The
grass was greener, the sweet fragrance of flowers permeated the air
and I no longer felt like a double agent. No more hiding from the
mouth police, dodging guys that I wanted to talk to or trying to meet
people in secret. When I was a kid summer camp had changed my life
and as I became an adult it had set me free.
Meeting
another guy or a guy in general isn't as easy as people think it is
or, should be. Falling in lust is easy and falling for someone who
gives you the slightest bit of attention is often a mistake. May,
finals week at San Diego State University (SDSU) a campus full of
frustrated college students, tired, overworked, worried about grades,
ready for a break, ready for a sweet southern california summer.
Jonathan was staring blankly at his notebook when I meet him at the
campus Starbucks. We had talked earlier that week and exchanged a few
emails. He was an International Business Major, went to a rival high
school just a few minutes down the road from mine, used to dance hip
hop and had entrancing bright sea blue eyes; The kind of eyes that
just make you smile and a voice that I could listen to for hours.
There
he was the first love of my life, chest pounding, permanent smile
plastered all over my body, and nervous tension running up and down
my spine. After a vanilla latte and caramel frappuchino it was dark
outside and the song “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk” was playing
on the radio. I don't think either of us knew how long we had
actually spent together that day. I know it was late and we both had
finals in the morning but, neither of us wanted to go home so we
ended up in my room watching the disney cartoon “Hercules”. We
sat on opposite ends of my twin bed leaning against the wall, slowly
creeping closer, and closer together from opposite ends of the bed. I
don't remember who made the first move, I don't think he could tell
me now if I asked him either but, our hands meet, then arms, eyes and
finally lips; but only for a few seconds. It was time for bed so, I
walked him back to his dorm room. Once back in my room I turned off
the t.v. and fell into the warm embrace of slumber with nothing but
my own thoughts for company.
Soon,
finals were over and summer had come at last. Three months of hot sun
filled days, cool ocean breezes, sand tickling your toes, driving
along the beach, windows down blasting the radio and warm clear
nights lit by the full moon: Summer romance. The weeks and days
melted into one another and even though we both had summer jobs, we
inched closer and closer to one another, becoming more and more
comfortable. Life, no everyday, was a new page to be written, a new
hit single, walking into crowds of people and being meet with exited
smiles and words of friendship. The entire world was open, the stars
could be picked from the heavens, moonbeams left a sparkling trail in
the night sky and all of it was real because of a single phrase;
Spoken in an old language, from the city of lights, a world away like
a warm blanket fresh from the dryer on a cold night “Je
t'aime,
mon copain”. There is no way to describe the word “Love” the
sensation, physical, mental, or emotional; But I can tell you that
when you are loved the words: Empty and darkness disappear, they fade
out of existence. Jonathan and I had everything that summer. Nothing,
compares to first love, it creates the scale. For once in a lifetime,
we are completely blind to every imperfection and open to
possibilities as wide and as deep as all the oceans in the world.
Eventually
summer came to an end, as the crowds of tourists begin to thin out,
the reality of fall settled in and the blazing beach bonn fire of
passion turned in to the warm steady heat of a fireplace. That fall I
was no longer attending SDSU I decided to get back into something
that I had forgotten about, and Jonathan had reminded me of; my love
of theater. He was busy with school and I was out at auditions or
working. By now his roommates and mine were accustomed to having us
over we saw each other several times a week, but everything was still
new and exciting Luke and his girlfriend would join us for double
dates a few times a month and his best friend Holly would come over
and make dinner or go shopping with us. Like a Lego building block
kit all of the pieces were coming into place and they were all there.
Every-night on the phone or with a text message we would talk about
our days, plans for the next and always end with that phrase “I
love you”. That fall I learned its impossible to say those three
words without smiling, even through tears of sorrow, pain,
disappointment or death.
Early
morning ice on a car window is not the way I like to start mornings
but, a steaming hot cup of coffee made sweet can make everything much
more hospitable. A warm, soft, kiss can last all day, take away any
fear and subdue the worst nerves. “Break a Leg” he said, before I
left for my eighth audition that month. That day November twenty
fourth was also our six month anniversary, half a year had already
flown by. Hours later after my audition I picked up a custom made
baseball hat that I had made for Jonathan, I had a white one just
like it, his was yellow with a capital “J” in the center. I
called him on the way back from Anaheim and we meet at the beach. It
was like our minds were tuned to the same channel on the radio, the
air smelled like chimney smoke, the sound of the waves provided the
soundtrack and we sat, midnight on the beach until the early hours of
the morning. Talking about the last few months, how amazing they had
been, my new job with Disney and his plans to work for Disney someday
too. Sitting on the beach that night we were on a precipice, climbed
so high, gone so far, neither of us were the same people we had been
when we first meet. “Happy Anniversary” I said, as I placed the
bright yellow hat on his head – he smile and we watched the sun
rise over the hills.
Young
men so new and fresh to the world around coming from only lies,
emptiness, and fear. Now in another completely foreign land, ready to
explore, blaze trails, leave markers and make maps. However, earth
was still earth, the landscape that is the path of life is always in
flux and change always possible. As the journey continued my own love
grew and blossomed like a cherry orchard, everything was becoming
more and more certain for me. In the tempest of life I did not see
virtues end coming around the corner, swiftly and without remorse.
Beyond Christmas and New years but, before Valentines day the magic
would grow and grow. It was winter, it was a southern california
winter for sure.
The
days were sunny and cold, the smell of fresh rain lingered in the air
and on my quiet block, in my perfect room, nothing was out of place.
Settled in my, no our daily routines and weekend adventures enjoying
fully the grand game of life. It was Thursday and I was surprised to
see Jonathan's car pull into the driveway earlier than normal. I was
so excited I dropped what I was doing and ran down stairs to meet him
as he walked towards the front door. But there was something
different about his gait today and his handsome blue eyes did not
meet mine. There was a weight in his voice that I had not heard
before, instinctively I let a big grin come across my face, opened my
arms and heart, ready for a warm hug. But instead of an up lifting
embrace my mind, soul, and spirit recoiled from the cold steel blades
that punched through my heart. “We need to talk” he said.
Immediately panic, fear, isolation engulfed my entire being. I felt
like I was walking through a thick fog, like pea soup. I can still
feel the cold touch of once loving hands and hear the words that left
a hole in my heart. “good bye, Jared” he said, the only word I
could muster was a meek “B...bye”
Just
like that we were done. There I was alone, silence, isolated, the
constant salty flow emanating from my eyes would not stop, could not
be stopped, no matter how hard I tried, how much tissue, how many
kind words from friends, or loving embraces, would it take to feel
human again. Swallowed into a pit of despair so deep I felt nothing
could save me, no rope was long enough. Slowly one, by one the days
pass, its 1am and left alone with the thoughts in my head nothing but
sleep dark, quiet sleep. “This too shall pass” I say to myself
again, and again, finally as if struck by lightning I rush to my
computer and begin typing. The last year begins to make sense, like
little dots on a page that close up mean nothing but from far away
create a picture, something to smile about yes, the pain lingers but
the person you became is better, wiser, and so lucky to have ever
found something so precious. It took years to put this all behind me
and longer to put it into words. Jonathan, works for Disney now and
years later I still see him on the streets, in bars, clubs at the gym
and hes still my first love, but thats all the first.
